


I Loved You

by saltythumbtack



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Happy Ending, Season/Series 03, brief mention of lingerie, loosely follows season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 13:10:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15219860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltythumbtack/pseuds/saltythumbtack
Summary: How Jim realized he was in love with Pam, not Karen.





	I Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> Not really inspired by Love Scenario by iKON, but it fits really well with it.

Karen was great. She was funny, smart, liked pranks, and wasn’t afraid to be assertive and call Jim on his shit. They’d gotten close at Stamford, and when the time came to go back to Scranton, Jim was glad that she was there with him. He was relieved that they didn’t have to do something long-distance so early in their relationship, and even more relieved that they were able to keep dating through the merger and that she stuck with Scranton. Michael was a lot to get used to, and most of the people from Stamford couldn’t-or didn’t-want to adjust to his unique style of managing.

There was just one small problem.

Pam.

She hadn’t hidden how happy was to see him back, running and giving him a hug when he walked in the door, smiling and giggling and she held him. He’d held her and grinned in return, but he could feel a heavy weight settling in his stomach as he stared down at her. There was no way he could do this again. He’d fall in love with Pam all over again, and he couldn’t do that to Karen, or to Pam. Pam had rejected him, let him down gently, but he’d still run to Stamford to get away from it. He couldn’t just come back with open arms and pretend like nothing happened.

So he stopped bantering with her, refused to let himself fall back into that comfortable pattern of glancing over at her and pranking Dwight. It hurt, but if he ignored it and focused on work or Karen, it hurt less. Of course, focusing on work only reminded him how much he actually hated his job. Humoring Michael was a pain in the ass, Dwight was much worse since returning to Scranton, and now he didn’t even have Pam to help make everything better.

Confiding in her when he was fighting with Karen made it worse. He wanted to be close to her, desperately wanted to return to their old joking ways, and he could tell that Pam wanted it to. But he couldn’t. He convinced himself that it was for Karen’s sake, not because of his own fear of being rejected again. What happened if he broke up with Karen, tried to pursue something with Pam, and then she rejected him? Then he’d have absolutely nothing, Karen would hate him, and Pam would probably only talk to him out of pity.

So it was for Karen’s sake that he ignored Pam, only talking to her when it was absolutely necessary. He wasn’t blind to how disappointed and hurt Pam looked every time he ended a conversation quickly, or shrugged off her attempts at talking, but he gritted his teeth and told himself that he could do it, he could be with Karen, he could be happy and move on and eventually, Pam would move on and think of him as “that coworker that she used to talk to before he confessed his love to me on the eve of my wedding.”

His plan came crashing down around his ears when Roy burst into the office, livid and looking for revenge. Thank god for Dwight, which was something he never thought he’d say, but yeah, Dwight saved his ass. He’d been about to brush the incident off when Pam grabbed him and pulled him into the hallway, away from the cameras.

“Hey, um, I’m really sorry about that.” She whispered, her voice breaking slightly. Jim laughed, a little shakily, but hey, he’d only narrowly avoided a beating, so he was allowed to be shaken.

“Don’t worry about it.” He said, keeping his hands firmly in his pockets. _Don’t slip up. Keep your distance._ He reminded himself, silently wishing that the cameras were there, so he’d have an excuse to keep his distance.

“No, no, it’s my fault, Jim.” Pam said, her eyes shining with tears. “I-I told Roy that we kissed. That’s why he was here.”

Jim blinked, surprised. “Why...why did you tell him that?”

Pam seemed to shrink inwards, drawing in on herself. “I, um, was thinking about getting back with him, and I wanted to clear the air, so I told him that we, you know...kissed.”

“Pam, why...why would you get back with him?” Jim asked, a bit of anger slipping into his voice. Roy wasn’t the worst person in the world, but Pam deserved a hell of a lot better than him. Even if he wasn’t-hadn’t been-in love with Pam, he’d had wanted them to break up.

“Well, I don’t exactly have a lot of options, Jim!” Pam snapped. “I can’t just run away to Stamford when I get my heart broken and find a pretty new girlfriend. I have to stay in Scranton, where everyone knows me as the girl with the long engagement who’s never going to get married! And then, when Roy finally got his shit together and set a date, I’m the one who broke it off! So I don’t really have the luxury of getting a new job and running away. I have to live with my decisions.” She stood there for a moment, breathing heavily, then stormed off back into the office, leaving Jim alone in the hallway.

Jim stood there, dumbstruck. Well, shit. Pam was right, as much as it hurt to admit it. He had run away, and he hadn’t even considered what it must’ve been like for Pam. Nice going, Halpert. He scolded himself, trying to ignore the jealousy that had sprung up when she mentioned Roy’s name. God, he’d hated Roy for so long, hated that he got to be with Pam and Jim didn’t, hated that Roy didn’t even seem to realize how lucky he was to have someone like Pam. And look what Jim had done to her. He’d run away, left her to try to pick up the pieces of their friendship, and ignored her attempts to put it back together.

And for what, so he could convince himself that he wasn’t in love with her?

…

He was in love with her.

Still.

Fuck.

He loved Karen too. Or, at least, he liked her a lot. And why wouldn’t he? She was great. Smart, funny, assertive, pretty. And as shitty as a person as it might make him, Jim didn’t want to break up with Karen. Their relationship was normal, functional, enjoyable, nice. It was the first relationship he’d had in years that didn’t feel like something he was only half-interested in. Katy had been fine, but he’d only really been dating her because he wanted a relationship and Pam wasn’t available. Karen wasn’t like that.

He’d been meaning to bring it up with Karen, honestly. But the days went by, then weeks, and he sort of forgot about the whole incident. He and Pam still spoke occasionally, but Pam’s outburst had only widened the rift between them, and they were both well aware of the distance between them. Jim had almost forgotten about his feelings for Pam when Karen brought it up one day. In the bedroom, of all places.

“You should’ve seen everyone’s faces when I said I was buying this.” She quipped, showing him a lacey contraption that Jim guessed was lingerie. “I didn’t show Michael, obviously, but Phyllis said it was very nice. Pam’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head. Guess she’s not as straight as I thought.” She laughed, leaning against Jim, her hand creeping up his thigh. “Wanna see how it looks?” She asked, her voice taking on a playful tone. Jim nodded, swallowing hard. Karen laughed again, clearly taking his dry throat as a good sign. 

“I’ll be right back.” She whispered, kissing him on the cheek. Jim nodded dumbly, trying to shake the image of Pam; specifically, the image of Pam surrounded by and wearing lingerie. _Damn._ So much for ignoring his feelings.

Then came the infamous beach confession.

Jim was the most surprised out of all his coworkers. Everyone else seemed to take it as a given that he and Pam were in love (which Karen certainly didn’t appreciate), and had fun teasing Pam about it. Karen had a lot to say about it, mostly to Jim, which he stayed silent and nodded through, not sure enough of his own feelings to say anything aloud. Karen knew, though. His refusal to agree with her was evidence enough that he still felt something for Pam. They didn’t talk about it after that. Karen didn’t want the mess and turmoil of a breakup so close to the job interview, and Jim had no idea what he wanted.

Leaving Karen in New York was a shitty thing to do. He hadn’t even really intended to. He’d realized that he didn’t want to be in New York, and that as strange as the Scranton branch was, he didn’t really want to leave it, not yet, not for this job. He’d just been planning to go for a little ride to clear his head while waiting for Karen to be done, and then he’d come out of his trance and found himself in the familiar parking lot of the Scranton branch. His legs carried him inside, and then his mouth, unbidden, was asking Pam to dinner. Then she smiled, accepted, and everything cleared. This was _right_. Pam was right. He loved Pam.

Things with Karen were a little awkward, and he was the first to admit that he’d screwed up. That seemed to help a little, or, as Karen put it, “at least you’re not so stupid that you don’t know you’ve ruined this.” He felt bad, of course. Karen really did deserve better, and he told her so.

“You deserve someone who cares about you, and only you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person, and for leaving you in New York. That was pretty terrible of me.”

Karen blinked, a little surprised. Her anger seemed to fade for a moment, replaced with a kind of resigned sadness. “You’ve been in love with her this whole time, haven’t you?”

Jim nodded. “I loved her and I liked you.” He said quietly. Karen nodded, biting her lip. He could see tears forming in her eyes, but none fell. 

“Well, thank you for admitting it.” Karen said, her voice surprisingly steady. “And know that it’s going to take a while before I’m ready to forgive you, but I do honestly think you’re a good guy, and I hope you and Pam are happy together.”

“I hope you find someone, too.” Jim said, his voice much less stable than Karen’s. “You’re great, honestly. None of this is your fault.”

Dinner with Pam was a comparatively less awkward experience.

Sure, there was a lot of stuff they needed to address, but for the most part, they laughed together for the first time in far too long. They ended up getting takeout and eating in Pam’s car, their faces barely visible under a dying streetlight. It was a great date, and Jim knew he’d made the right choice.

They didn’t kiss. They didn’t have to. There would be plenty of time for that on later dates.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello I've never written for the office before so hopefully it's all in character and such. I've been rewatching season 3 and it hurts my soul a little to see Jim and Pam not being close so I wrote this. It also serves the purpose of hopefully prompting me to get back into writing. I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> This work was written in a few hours and not edited or beta'd, so any mistakes are mine.


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